Bah Humbug! Presenting five of the worst Christmas songs ever…
I may be cynical, but compiling a list of the worst Christmas songs ever is far easier than compiling a list of the best.
Perhaps it’s just because the sentimentality of Christmas overwhelms everything around it, or perhaps it’s just the lure of filthy lucre that tempts songwriters into these musical atrocities- who knows.
The end result is generally the same, however: an assault on the senses, married to unprecedented sentimentality, which is akin to being locked inside a Hallmark Card warehouse for the rest of your life.
Here, for your listening displeasure, then, are five of the worst Christmas songs ever. Merry Christmas!
Christmas Time – Dene Michael and Chrissy Rock
This particular seasonal treat was produced by a ‘supergroup’ of sorts. Yes, that is Chrissy Rock of ‘Benidorm’ fame, and yes, that is the legendary Dene Michael of ’80s party favourites, Black Lace.
Assessing it contextually, the relentlessly upbeat, Europop vibe perhaps reflects the pace, and chaos of Christmas, whilst nodding towards Santa Claus’ European roots…
It makes the listener feel like they’re stuck on hold, waiting for the gas company to answer the phone during December, though. Either that, or trapped in a supermarket.
Cliff Richard – Mistletoe and Wine
You can always count on Cliff, and no worst Christmas songs list would be complete without him. This is perhaps his most famous, and perhaps his most sentimental.
However, in choosing the twin Christmas symbols of ‘Mistletoe’ and ‘Wine’, he’s also picked the key elements of many an office party downfall…*ahem!*
Paul McCartney – Wonderful Christmas Time
I’m no Paul McCartney historian, but I suspect that in 1979, Paul might have received a synthesizer for Christmas in 1979… A song that really divides people, this is a really sugary pop tune.
You know that time, on Boxing day evening, when after spending two days constantly eating, and forcing down the very last After Eight mint (which is the last sugary treat in the house), and you recline into an armchair, feeling incredibly ill. This contains more sugar than that entire consumption of food…
The Chipmunks – Christmas Time is Here
…But remarkably, not as sugary as the Chipmunks. This is the worst Christmas song ever to feature helium-voiced rodents, which puts it in a very strong position for worst Christmas song of any kind.
Mr. Blobby – Christmas in Blobbyland
Unfortunately for the Chipmunks, they have some very stiff competition from Mr. Blobby in this regard. There are no words for this sonic torture.
Even if you loved Christmas, subjection to this appalling piece of tosh could invoke some sort of ‘Pavlov’s Dogs’ style involuntary reaction towards anything Christmas related.
So there we have it. Do you have any you’d add to this list? Let us know in the comments below…
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